Sketch and story by Tom Godin,
August 27, 2001

From time to time I get questions about bird activity. I usually answer these in private correspondence with the person but sometimes topics are so common that they could be shared. Here are some of the most frequently asked questions.

Dear Mr. Bird Guy;
When I drive past the pastures around here I see little birds sitting on top of horses and cows. What are they doing?

Dear reader;
The birds are cowbirds - a small form of raptor or bird of prey. They are attempting to lift the cow or horse, as the case may be, to a nearby tree where they will make short work of it. Many people don’t care for the Cowbird or its habits but what are you gonna do? Just remember it is part of the natural cycle of the great outdoors and enjoy.

Dear Bird Guy;
A woodpecker keeps tapping loudly on my gutters in the early morning. I am losing sleep. What can I do about this?

Dear Reader;
Remove the gutters! The bird won’t come back I guarantee it. It likes the sound it can make with the rattling tin. Once this sound is gone the bird will go elsewhere.

Dear Bird Guy;
A large woodpecker, I believe it is a Pileated, is destroying my house. It is tearing up the wood on the deck, around the windows and even the siding. Help! What can I do?

Dear Reader;
Get a restraining order against this bird. If that doesn’t work - move the house! Obviously this building is inside the bird’s territory. The bird thinks that your house is a really big stump that is within its jurisdiction. Once the house is gone the woodpecker will cease its destructive ways.

Dear Bird Guy;
I like to feed birds and do so on a regular basis. However I have to admit that the Evening Grosbeaks are making me think twice about this activity. They are so hungry that they eat the feeder tray empty two or three times a day. Is there anything I can do? I like to encourage the birds and would miss them if I stopped feeding altogether.

Dear Reader;
I have the perfect solution. Feed the last of your birdseed to the ravenous Grosbeaks then take down the bird feeder. Go to the nearest park with a bag of seed or bread and feed it to the pigeons. This way you can enjoy the outdoors while still feeding the birds, an activity that you truly enjoy. Just don’t leave a trail of breadcrumbs leading to your door and you will never be bothered by hungry hordes of birds again.

Dear Bird Guy;
A hawk keeps chasing birds away from my feeder. Sometimes they get so scared they fly into the window and kill themselves on impact. What can I do about this?

Dear Reader;
Remove the window! This will give fleeing birds a chance to slow down once they get inside your kitchen or living room. This will also lessen the chances that a bird will fly into the open window in the first place, as the reflecting quality of the window will be greatly diminished so birds won’t think your window is an extension of the outdoors. This will stop bird deaths! I guarantee it.

Dear Bird Guy;
What can you do about squirrels that come around a bird feeder? They are so pushy that the birds don’t get any food. I’ve tried squirrel proofing my feeder with all sorts of devices like metal cones on the feeder pole. However, whenever I look outside there’s always a squirrel on top eating and the birds have been driven away? I’ve a good mind to remove the feeder altogether.

Dear Reader;
You’ve answered your own question. Once the feeder is gone the squirrels won’t bother the birds again. I guarantee it!

Dear Bird Guy;
I am only a novice birder but I want to impress all my friends who are avid birders by knowing how to identify all the empidonax Flycatcher family. How should I begin?

Dear Reader;
Begin by getting a life! Birding isn’t about impressing people. It’s about enjoying the outdoors, sharing a common interest, and learning new things. If you are a novice birder you should concentrate on hiding your lack of knowledge from others. That will keep you busy. Knowing everything will come much later, so be patient!

Dear Bird Guy;
I like cats as much as the next person but I also want to feed birds in my yard. Is there any way I can keep my cat and attract birds too?

Dear Reader;
No, none that you would be willing to try. My best suggestion is to buy another house. Keep the cat at one and feed the birds at the other. Your cat will never kill the birds you are feeding unless the houses you own are very close to each other.

Dear Bird Guy;
I want to begin birding but I have my doubts about how much equipment I need to acquire. Does a person need expensive binoculars, scopes and books to enjoy birding.

Dear Reader;
Not at all, birding doesn’t have to cost an arm and a leg. My advice is to join a bird group in your area and go on field trips with them. This way you can borrow all their equipment as the need arises. It’s also a good way to get closer to people. You wouldn’t believe what you learn about a person when you’re both looking through the same set of binoculars at the same time. If, later on, they start going on field trips and forgetting to tell you, then it may be time to get some optical equipment of your own.

P.S. Here’s a little hint to keep them from doing that. Acquire any old pair of binoculars from a garage sale. When out on a trip with your group pretend you can’t find the birds they are all looking for with your binoculars. They will gladly share theirs so that you don’t miss out. After using their equipment make a big fuss about how great their stuff is. This will keep you in their good books! I guarantee it! Good luck and cheap birding!