 Goldilocks and the Three Cars Remember Goldilocks? She was that little girl who committed a B and E at the home of a family of bears. In some versions of the story Goldilocks escapes into the forest. In other versions of the story Goldilocks pays a much higher price for eating cereal, sitting on a chair, and then falling asleep on a bed. But despite dire reports Goldilocks did not meet her end that day. Instead, with the help of an astute lawyer, she made good on the food she ate and paid her debt to society by doing a bit of community work which mostly involved helping the bears out with some baby sitting. This, and a little therapy, helped get her over a fear of large omnivores in domestic settings. Fast forward to the 21st century where we now find Goldilocks living in a modest home, collecting a small pension, and doing everything she can to save the planet. Yes, Goldilocks turned her run-in with the bears into an impetus to help nature. Everything she now does on a daily basis reflects her goal of making as little impact on the planet as possible. Of course she recycles, composts, and conserves, but her greatest sense of personal achievement comes from a refusal to bow down to the internal combustion engine. She does not own a car, but occasionally catches a ride to town when the weather is bad. Generally she avoids anything that burns gas; even electric lawn mowers made her fume. She detests leaf blowers. She often pauses outdoors while working in her garden and shakes her fist at the jet planes flying high overhead. “If you hate it so much here why don’t you just move to Mexico?” she likes to shout over the roar of engines. One of the most amazing aspects in Goldilocks life of ‘green-ness’ is her decision to eschew pets of any kind. She recently read that the pet food industry is a multibillion dollar part of the economy but she long ago reasoned that dogs and cats are ‘essentially useless’ animals and put an excess burden on the planet. It was impossible to convince her that keeping a pet could allay loneliness and make some peoples’ life more bearable. “That’s a load of horse poo!” she barked at anyone who brought up this line of argument. “Most pets are genetically mutated lost souls and the people who have pets turn them into ridiculously dependent idiot animals, or ignore them completely! Just check out the local animal shelter if you think pets are so important to us! It is much better to preserve habitat for wild nature and let that thrive if we want companionship” A big part of Goldilocks’ daily routine was the feeding of wild birds. This activity irked some pet-loving people who loudly suggested that performing such an activity was also ‘unnatural,’ and probably tantamount to keeping pets. In response to which Goldilocks turned red and screeched “We have permanently stolen and destroyed so much natural bird habitat that giving the birds a small handout is the least we can do. We must somehow help them endure our destructive effects!’ Yes, people thought Goldilocks was somewhat of a zealot, but oddly she had many friends. She endeared herself to many people simply by reminding them how little they did to keep the planet from becoming an uninhabitable mess. Her friends often remarked “We’re just so busy we can’t make the sacrifices Goldilocks does. And our work is so stressful that we must take trips by jet to exotic locales just so we can bear to work another year.” And so it was that Goldilocks spent many green-tinged days on the outskirts of town listening to endless streams of vehicles pass by her yard. She was somewhat smug because she knew herself to be free of ‘gas addictions.’ She watched her neighbours leave each morning in a multitude of vehicles, which left her feeling a bit frustrated, but at least she felt that the cost of a barrel of crude and the fouling of the planet through burning fossil fuels had nothing to do with her. Then one morning something odd happened. Goldilocks went to the fridge for a breakfast muffin and noticed that a big bite was missing. She checked the others. They too, were all similarly bitten. What could have done such a thing? She had no pets, and mice certainly wouldn’t have nibbled food stored safely in the fridge! She couldn’t fancy a muffin until she found the answer, so Goldilocks decided to have a peanut butter sandwich instead. She made a sandwich and went to get a large glass of milk. Upon her return she was stunned to notice that the sandwich was missing a large chunk. The peanut butter too, was gone. It looked as if it were licked off the bread. Goldilocks leaned in close to inspect the sandwich but saw no clue as to what happened. For a moment Goldilocks forgot her breakfast, it was time to feed her wild birds. She went to the porch and lifted the lid of the container. Half of her sunflower seeds were missing. This was an outrage! Now, dazed by the sudden series of mysterious events, Goldilocks filled her birdfeeders with the remaining seeds and staggered into her house. A little while later Goldilocks gathered her wits and looked out the side window towards the yard of her neighbour. There, plain as day, one of the neighbour’s vehicles chewed part of a muffin. The truck had peanut butter on its grille, and the smallest car nibbled sunflower seeds! The answer to her food shortage was now clear. The neighbour’s gas guzzling vehicles have begun eating solid food! A jet airplane passing overhead smiled down on Goldilocks and seeds dripped from its lips. Later that evening the neighbours came home after work and discovered Goldilocks mumbling incoherently in her garden. “I can’t go on, not if I have to take food from the mouths of cars, trucks, and jet airplanes to feed my birds.” It was obvious she had lost it. The final chapter of the Goldilocks story is yet to be written. Perhaps when she is released she will resume her battle to save the earth; then again she may give up the fight and join the rest of humanity in its brake-less drive over the cliff. Perhaps she will return to her youthful life of crime. After all is said and done, that did seem to be her most blithely carefree time. To e-mail Tom CLICK HERE To look at previous column CLICK HERE |
